pianississimo: living today
pianississimo is a new tag we're exploring for blogging.
⠀L⠀ife tends to be difficult when you're living as a spoiled kid with no money! horrible start i know, but this is the best i can explain my childhood without diving headfirst into details that could possibly endanger me.
as a small child, my (grand) aunties loved spoiling me, all toys i could ask for, all attention i could possibly desire! except... they did not live with me, they did not actually give me money, they lead me on the false luxurious life that would soon be taken away from me as quickly as it started.
how did that affect me, you say?
well... it made living today quite a living hell for someone like me (autistic, with adhd, yet undiagnosed because toys could not pay for any professional help)! it affected me in ways i didn't even know i was affected.
it made me unaware that there were things i could simply not cry my way out of, school (i was a kid, an autistic kid), bills (my family never explained them to me and then suddenly turned around and made me painfully aware about their own poverty) and (funnily enough) relationships (i was always trying to prove myself one way or another, which made me an incredibly fake person surviving on praise from perceived, one-sided, lovers). to the point i spent my early life as a near NEET that only left home for family outings and also deeply paranoid about people and skipped many, many years of, elementary and high, school.
it made me blind to money yet extremely paranoid of how much things cost (at one point i genuinely spent my days thinking items over 20 were simply too much and panicked whenever i had to shop on my own); as of recent years, hopefully, my grandma has given me an allowance from her own funds, and my mother and sister finally seem to be thriving in their jobs, with (somewhat) stable income and...
me. i have been going to school again, a special, adult-only, school. the goal is to actually finish the years i've missed and then finally, finally, get a job. you don't even notice how far you've come until you put it all down, huh. so, in retrospect... living today has been going well, aside from the setbacks, my life is nothing like it was before, in a good way. i know i was spoiled, i know i was deeply insecure, i know i was scared. but now i'm getting a chance to get, and be, better.
it makes me happy.
— written by måkri, with love.